2/1/2021

12:15 am

CRAVINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG HONEY ROASTED CASHEWSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS fuck my life. running to publix to weigh myself tomorrow also to pick up more skyr, fish oil supplements

holographic film will display the whole image even when broken into pieces...whole in every part.....fractals...look into fractal holography

"How then is our brain able to take the multitude of neurophysiological processes that manifest as our experience, all of which are internal, and fool us into thinking that some are internal and some are located beyond the confines of our grey matter? Creating the illusion that things are located where they are not is the quintessential feature of a hologram[...] This is because a hologram is a VIRTUAL image, an image that appears to be where it is not, and possesses no more extension in space than does the three-dimensional imiage you see of yourself when you look in a mirror."the holographic universe

1:05 pm

dark matter is such a bullshit concept, dude just listen to me I got my physics phd from stanford or whatever which means i'm the closest thing to god we've got (apotheosis was my graduation gift), and im telling you that our universe is 85% full of this dark matter stuff, which is unseen, unmeasurable, and that's because it's made up of particles we haven't yet discovered, obviously. the evidence we have for dark matter is that if it DIDN'T exist, then our entire contemporary gravitational cosmological model would literally implode in on itself, and since, as I said, I am a physics phd and by extension always right, our contemporary gravitational cosmological model is obviously, indisputably correct, and as such, I get to make shit up as I go in order to ensure that it continues to be correct, even if that means I need to bend over backwards and start doing flips and whatnot, instead of accepting that maybe our current model should be looked at and possibly modified. I literally want these people to die.

also I was too lazy to go to publix lol Ill go tmrw. look into philip k dick, and the urantia book

body dysmorphia is a computer virus; where is the line between artificial intelligence and organic intelligence drawn?

"...it was important for scientists to remember that no single cause-and-effect relationship was ever really seperate from the universe as a whole." the holographic universe

daily affirmations lol I AM SKINNY, I AM...CUTE, I AM A GENIUS

2/2/2021

skipped class which means I am not leaving the house today. will weigh myself on uhhh thurs I guess. might reread wintergirls (FAMOUS LAST WORDS). daily affirmations i am skinny i am cute i am a genius ;)

an infinite amount of words, a finite amount of definitions(in this lifetime, at least)

THIS IS FROM NOVEMBER DIARY: "god(omniscient) is bored, and god(omniscient) is running an infinite number of simulations that, as every second passes, split off from eachother to form an infinite number more". I LIKE the way it sounds. the universes holographic film shatters and multiplies, how heavy, so much data, so many ones and zeros! the pressure I get in my skull sometimes must feel the same way; so many trains of thought leading mostly nowhere, so much data, so many ones and zeros. I am the universe, or I should say a fractal of it, and the universe probably needs some downers.

"Quantum mechanics is very worthy of respect. But an inner voice tells me this is not the genuine article after all. The theory delivers much but it hardly brings us closer to the Old One's secret. In any event, I am convinced that He is not playing dice" max born. I like this lol

memories are non-local...hologram is non-local...implicate and explicate order...I see how this all comes together :)

holon137 look into this

started working out :p

2/6/2021

so the other day I absolutely binged on honey roasted nuts, like literally a third of the container, and then when I weighed myself without even having pooped yet after said binge I had lost .4 lbs. which is epic but also annoying insofaras Im now kind of cocky, I wish I had gained like a pound to scare myself into restricting harder again lol. so anyway, I'm at 112.1 now, goal is like...105-108. well see what happens

2/9/2021

remember the math test I said I bombed the other week? apparently I somehow managed to get a 102? my genius never ceases to amaze me (joke)

2/10/2021

FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK MYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY LIFEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE mom called me into the kitchen and was like....I'm worried about you lately cuz you look leaner and im worried you're not eating and I can hear you pacing in your room etc...............with fucking vince standing there too so im sure he fucking said something cuz he is the nosiest motherfucker to ever live, I still haven't forgiven him for going through my shit when I was at the psychiatrist a couple years back and telling my mom I hadn't been taking my meds. like mind your own business dude you're not my dad. I honestly feel bad now because I know my mom is just legit worried about me and I don't want to upset her. sometimes I wish she didn't care about me so I could just fucking starve myself in peace. I know now I'm going to have to start eating more or at least pretend to eat more to keep her off my back which will inevitably spur an exercise addiction on my end. god. god. I hate it here. not to mention when I weighed myself at publix today I apparently gained an lb (113.5) i really cannot CATCH A BREAKKKKKKKKK although that might've been water weight so Im not that concerned I guess. I MEAN I AM CONCERNED NOW CUZ APPARENTLY IM NOT SLICK ENOUGH TO AVOID PARENTAL SUSPICION. honestly how is she just now noticing this when she straight up looked at my back last week when I thought I had scoliosis and she didn't say anything. I literally think it was vince who told her something. god I need to get a job and move out.

also @MYSELF FROM FEBRUARY 6TH who said I hope I gain a pound to scare myself into restricting harder I hope you kill yourself you stupid fucking bitch. also im breaking out on my forehead and idk ifs its cuz of the new sunscreen I tried (which sucks) or the fact im putting dairy products in my protein shakes. I wish I had a sharp razor right about now lol!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! which one of my haters got their hands on my voodoo doll my GOD

I just calculated my maintenance calories and it was 2040something....die. Whatever I'll eat lunch, pretend to have snacks, and I'll do more exercising since no one in this fucking household wants me to be SKINNY. im also paranoid now that theyre gonna go through my room while im not home. okay and now im getting intrusive thoughts about m** d**** JUST KILL ME ALREADYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY. thank god Im burning my archangel michael candle. I should make an altar

I've gottan michael in gbf a bunch of times...maybe thats a sign. sorry for talking shit, I'll do the Novena to St. Michael today+next 8 days

2/11/2021

I was walking to class and a girl who has said class with me called me really pretty...she couldnt even see my face cuz the mask but it's nice regardless i suppose. I got her number after class cuz I forgot her name immediately after she told me cuz I was in shock from being directly spoken to. I'm also doing a novena to the archangel raphael for my mom. (in addition to the one for michael)

why am I crying. why am I crying. im so sorry for everything I did as a child. god this sucks

8:00pm

ok im in a better mood now i hvae no idea what that was about. anyway I need to get magnesium glycinate and l-theanine. apparently high dosages of b6 can help dream recall as well. but not bcomplex because the studies showed that caused issues (allegedly because of b1). okay so mag. glyc, l-theanine, ashwaghanda, b6, calea z (tincture here), mugwort(tincture here), galantamine. ahaaahhhh

2/13/2021

mom says shes feeling better :) pics below completely unrelated to this.

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The eyes of the image are especially mysterious. Although their dimensions are microscopic, the iris and the pupils present the highly detailed images of 13 people. The same people are present in the left eye and the right, with different ratios, just as images are transmitted by human eyes.

2/15/2021

so upset that the oikos triple zero coffee yogurt was discontinued (i think) WHY do all the yogurt flavors I want to try get discontinued. the siggis orange and ginger was discontinued too ;__;. started watching haibane renmei. the siggis coffee yogurt only comes in the whole milk variant but its 140 calories so I might try it as a treat sometime. also last night I wanted to have a late night snack cuz I was hungry but I didn't:) good job to me

2/17/2021

THE ABSOLUTE FUCKING STATE OF COMMUNITY COLLEGE EDUCATION i swear to god. If i have to write one more stupid research article about some stupid media related bullshit im going to actually hurt someone, and that someone certainly will not be myself. god the past 2 days have sucked

2/19/2021

my thighs dont touch at all when I walk anymore, and I turned in my stupid english assignment half done because i sincerely do not give a fuck. im in a bad mood cuz i had to have a cookie for snack lol. and ive been eating too much the past few days. my physical copy of wholeness and the implicate order got here, ill finish that soon. im so bad at finishing anything, huh? "a dream is beautiful because it remains a dream"

2/22/2021

not doing my work. anyway, as someone who has suffered from what could ostensibly be considered "narcissistic abuse", people fucking learn that term and apply it to every single Negative Experience they've ever had. wow its crazy how everyone in my life is a narcissist except me and im just this poor victim empath lol! the lack of self awareness is legitimately so funny. some of them get close to self awareness, and then they are reassured by everyone else in their hugbox that NO! NARCS NEVER EVER HAVE SELF AWARENESS. IF YOU THINK YOU'RE A BIT NARCY THEN YOU CAN'T BE NARCY, AND EVEN IF YOU ACTUALLY ARE SORT OF, ITS NOT YOUR FAULT! ITS EVERYONE ELSES FAULT! like get a fucking grip.

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how do i describe this...its as if I have two egos that are at complete odds with eachother. and its always kind of jarring being in this constant state of ambivalence about damn near fucking everything, the reason Im pretty unexpressive is because the absolute value of infinity and negative infinity is zero. and its not as if I switch back and forth betweeen two extremes a la a pendulum (at least not usually although it does happen sometimes) its like for some reaosn, my brain will simultaneously believe things that are ostensibly mutually exclusive. ostensibly is the word of the day btw. opposites are identical in nature but different in degreee, or something like that. my emotion/thoguhts/whatever are in a state of quantum superposition but because they can by definition never be observed by an outside observer, they never take on the full form of either a wave or a particle.

"[the principle of quantum superposition] states that, much like waves in classical physics, any two (or more) quantum states can be added together ("superposed") and the result will be another valid quantum state; and conversely, that every quantum state can be represented as a sum of two or more other distinct states." im self aware enough to know that any attempt to explain this or any other thoughts I have to people would be pointless and get me labeled as the resident freak. so what If i think the world is a hologram, that all of this is fake? does it HURT YOU? am I infringing on your personal rights? no. people are so stuck in their preconcieved notions of reality that anyone who may think different is shunned. i may be crazy but at least i can hear others out lol.

"Two people talking inside your brain/Two people believing that I'm the one to blame/Two different voices coming out of your mouth/While I'm too cold to care and too sick to shout" two - the antlers

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writing for anyone other than myself is always such a hassle because I get absolutely too focused on the wording of things, they have to be phrased in a certain way, flow a certain way, have certain precise meanings, and if I can't figure it out I can't move on. when Im just writing down my own personal bs for no one but myself, I know what im trying to say because well...this is my brain. but in any case what often occurs is that in my quest to avoid being misinterpreted, what I finally end up writing becomes so convoluted to the outside reader that it loses basically all meaning. I am either misconstrued or unintelligable. which only makes me have a harder time writing. arrrgggghhh

2/23/2021

saw 444, 555

2/25/2021

okay I weighed myself again and I maintained; still 113.5. I think honestly I will try to stay around here and work on toning up. is this dareisay...recovery lol